Many people have difficulty managing their
angry feelings. This can lead to difficulties in their relationships
with others and can even result in acts of aggression and physical
violence. Needless to say this can often cause many more problems
than it solves, even though aggression or violence can sometimes
make us feel better in the short term.
Before we begin learning how to manage anger
let’s think about what causes it – where anger comes from. Understanding
what anger is, how it begins and the part we play in our angry feelings
we’ll be much better equipped to deal with it.
Anger is the result of two main factors.
The first is to do with the physical feelings we experience
in the body – the physiology of anger. This is exactly the
same as the physiology of anxiety – it’s only our thinking which
makes the difference. The physiology of anxiety has been covered
in another handout so I won’t repeat it here. For more information
on this fascinating topic take a look at understanding anxiety
management 1 in this series of handouts.
The second factor is concerned with out thoughts
and expectations, the way we think about and interpret the
situation. This is the psychology of anger. For example
if we see a man hit his son and believe him to be right in doing
so we probably won’t get angry. On the other hand if we believe
that he is being unfair or cruel we may well become very angry indeed
at the thought. It isn’t what happens which makes us angry
so much as the way we think about what happens.
Many psychologists would argue that all
anger begins with blame. We get angry at something. It isn’t
always easy to work out exactly what we’re angry at but that doesn’t
mean it isn’t there. Usually the focus of our anger is obvious but
in some cases it takes a little work to find the exact root of our
angry feelings. Most forms of counseling or psychotherapy are helpful
here.
Blame can be divided into three main categories.
To put it another way there are three main areas in which we can
apply blame. These are:
1. The self
This type of blame is what we call guilt
and not only leads to anger but also depression and a range of self-destructive
behaviors.
2. Other people
This type of blame can result in many forms
of anger as well as a wide range of relationship difficulties.
3 The ‘system’
By the ‘system’ we mean anything bigger than
ourselves, from the laws of nature to the legal system. It can be
something as simple as the weather we get angry about, blaming the
clouds for raining on us when they ought to have made way
for the sun. Remember that word ought, it’s one of a group
of words such as should or must which we call imperatives.
Without imperatives there can be no blame and without blame anger
cannot exist.
This sounds like a simple explanation – too
simple perhaps. Too good to be true? Please remember that simple
doesn’t mean easy. There’s nothing ‘easy’ about learning to
control anger however uncomplicated the idea may be. Anger management
does become easy with practice but in the beginning it requires
hard work and commitment. The chance to learn anger management
is a very real opportunity to change your life for the better but,
like most opportunities, it comes dressed in working clothes.
A good way to begin is to ask yourself where
the imperatives are. Whenever you become angry listen to your own
thoughts and look for sentences containing words like should,
must or ought. Also watch out for injunctions like
mustn’t, oughtn’t and shouldn’t. Once you identify
these judgments you’ll find the blame. Then all you need to do is
stop blaming.
Yes, I know it isn’t easy to stop blaming.
Most of us have been brought up to blame ourselves, others or the
system and it’s become a thinking habit. Don’t worry – there’s
a simple system we can use based upon simple empathy and
understanding.
Stop blaming others
There’s an old North American Indian saying
which asks us never to judge another until we’ve walked a mile in
his moccasins. To put it another way just bear in mind that if you’d
been through what he had, been brought up the same way he had and
learned the same lessons and had the same experiences that he had
you’d probably react in exactly the same way. That doesn’t mean
you have to agree with everything someone does, simply try to understand
why he or she did it. Acknowledging another person’s faults is one
thing – blaming them for it is quite another.
When you catch yourself using an imperative
or an injunction as an excuse to get angry ask yourself the
one question you won’t want to answer. Ask yourself why you
are wrong. Force yourself to come up with as many reasons
as you can to justify the other person’s action. As a rule you’ll
not only stop blaming them but also alter your own stance in very
many situations.
Stop blaming the system
Even if the other person’s action is completely
indefensible we still don’t need to become angry. All we need to
do is accept things as they are and then work to make them better.
The world is full of people who behave inappropriately and even
cruelly – that’s just the way it is. That’s the ‘system’ if you
will. The world is as it is because the world is as it
is! You might as well blame the stars for shining at night or
blame a cat for not being an earthworm. We live in an imperfect
world – accept it.
The way to stop blaming the system is to
stop pretending that the world ought to be other than it
is. Who are you trying to kid? Listen for yourself saying things
like ‘things should be better’ or ‘it isn’t fair’.
Of course it isn’t fair – it’s life. Whoever said life should
be fair? Life just is. You can either accept it for what it is
or ruin your quality of life blaming and becoming angry about the
system you can never hope to change.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Stop blaming yourself
Have you ever met the perfect person – I
mean really perfect. The one person in a thousand million who hasn’t
any faults; who never made a mistake or error in judgment? Of course
you haven’t because that person doesn’t exist. We all make mistakes.
That’s part of being human. Part of the system. Making mistakes
is how we learn.
If you blame yourself and become angry because
you did something wrong (made an error in judgment or anything else)
then what you’re really saying is I shouldn’t have made a mistake.
Even a criminal act intentionally committed is actually no more
than an error in judgment. You made a mistake. If you expect yourself
not to make mistakes or judgment errors you actually expect yourself
to be more than human. Who are you, God?
Once you get it into your head that you’re
allowed to make mistakes (whatever the consequences) – in fact it’s
inevitable that you will – the need for self-blame goes away. Then
you can get on with the far more serious business of living. Of
course if you choose to blame yourself for your mistakes then that’s
your right and your business. Just understand that you’re expecting
yourself to be more than you ever can be and then pulling yourself
down for failing. Doesn’t make much sense really does it?
If you do decide to work on your anger producing
beliefs the list below may be useful. It shows examples of beliefs
and attitudes which lead to blame and anger together with suggested
alternatives. You may want to go over these suggestions with your
counselor or therapist as well. However remember that not all therapists
work the same way. If yours prefers to try another approach please
don’t let this handout get in the way.
Beliefs which lead to blame and anger:
The world should treat me better than
this.
Why? Who said so? The world is what it is
and it does what it does. I can accept reality or I can ruin my
life wishing it were different.
I shouldn’t make mistakes.
I will make mistakes whether I want to or
not. That’s just the way it is. Believing that I shouldn’t and then
blaming myself when I do is just setting myself up for a fall. It’s
better to accept that mistakes happen and that I can learn and
grow from them. That’s how I develop into a better person for
the future.
Other people should behave the way
I want them to.
I’m not judge and jury. Other people do what
they do for their own reasons. If I disagree with their behavior
so be it. I can choose either to accept it or to take steps to make
sure they don’t treat me badly. Let’s face it most of the things
other people do don’t affect anybody else anyway. When they do I
can still take action without getting bogged down in blame and anger.
Needless to say there are countless examples
of these blame-producing thoughts. These are just to give you an
idea of the sort of things to look out for. Once you begin practicing
this style of thinking you’ll soon recognize many more. For more
information talk to your counselor or nurse.
RECOMMENDED READING
Tulloch R. (1990) in
Dryden W. & Scott M. – Eds. (1990)
An Introduction to Cognitive Behaviour Therapy
Liverpool Personal Service Society / Gale
Centre Publications
Loughton
Essex
pp. 79-98
Compliments of Stuart
Sorensen – RMN
Ecards 
